With the spreading prevalence of dementia in our aging population, there may come a time when the elder's adult children must persuade him or her to hand over the financial decisions to someone else. Although families often recognize the signs warning them that Mom or Dad is no longer safe in handling the checkbook and bank accounts, it is difficult to actually tell or ask the elder to give up this responsibility.
Is it harder for an aging man to give up financial control than for an aging woman?
It depends. A key factor seems to be the extent of financial control a person exercised in his or her life before the onset of dementia or other disabling condition. Another key factor is the personality type of the elder in question. A domineering, controlling persona can belong to a man or a woman, but is perhaps more likely to be found in a male, especially in the generation now in their 80's and 90's. Men were most often the breadwinners. Women most often stayed home and raised children. After the children grew up, most women of this age group remained housewives. Some women had total control of the husband's earnings, as some men preferred to hand over their paychecks, and let the wives decide how to budget and spend it. Some men insisted on total control, and their wives knew nothing about the family finances.
We've all met these women: after the husband dies, they don't even know how to write a check. They don't know how much money is in the bank or what debts exist, or how much money comes in each month. Sometimes, the roles are reversed and the unknowing person is the husband.
We do know one thing from our experience at AgingParents.com. That is, a person who took pride in his/her ability to manage money is the hardest person to persuade to let go of the checkbook, even if it is dangerous for him or her to keep it. This happens even after a crisis, financial elder abuse, or the power being turned off because he forgot to pay the bill.
If your family is in a dilemma about the subject of getting Dad to let another person handle the finances, talk it over. Decide upon a strategy among the other family members. Be sure to get help from outside the family if needed, from Dad's lawyer, doctor, clergy or good friend. You'll need some support and help. When the subject is brought up, expect resistance. It's common, as is denial that there is a problem.
Whether it's a man or a woman we're dealing with around finances, a person who is used to having control wants to keep having control. It's an emotional thing, and you can't reason with emotion. What you can do is have a respectful approach, and work as a family. An incompetent elder is a dangerous elder, and is especially vulnerable to financial elder abuse.
To learn more, see the minibook, How to Handle Money for Aging Loved Ones, from The Boomer's Guide to Aging Parents, by Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, at http://www.agingparents.com/elderfinances
Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., B.S.N., Attorney at Law
